My boss walked up to me and thanked me today. I still have no clue what for.
Thanks to Mr. Borealis’s recent employment, I went grocery shopping for the first time in a month yesterday. I was supposed to buy yogurt because my blood work came back a few days ago and my triglycerides were off the charts. To clarify, I actually bought yogurt because Mr. Borealis has an annoying habit of opening my mail without asking first. There’s nothing like coming home to “Hi—your pap smear came back normal, and you’re going on a diet.”
My doctor says my diet has not been good lately, and I generally agree with her—when Mr. Borealis lost his job, the cookie mix and bacon came out. My doctor’s advice? As penance for past offenses, I am now to become a vegetarian on the Atkins diet.
That is correct. I have been instructed to stop eating all animal fats via meat AND carbs—not just bad carbs, but as many carbs as I can stand to lose because my triglycerides are shootin’ for the stars.
Yippee, doc. So yogurt is what I’ve got. A whole bunch of yogurt and fruit and vegetables. And a multivitamin every day. I think I’m actually going to look forward to that vitamin, pity me.
I sit down this morning to eat my first serving of yogurt, and I notice it says “live cultures” on the side. I stop and cock my head like a confused dog because I’ve never considered yogurt a living entity before, but there it is—yogurt is alive. And I am going to eat it.
In my tired morning stupor a vision of old Godzilla films flashes into my head where there are a bunch of tiny little yogurt culture bacterium screaming in high pitched little voices and running through a pasteurized city before their futile efforts result in the inevitable, and I gobble them up like a giant animatronic T-Rex.
At this juncture I realize I haven’t had my coffee yet, and then I realize that caffeine is on my no-no list as well. Dear readers, I am not going to be a happy blogger for a while now.
I warn you all: get to the mail box before anyone else does, or this could happen to you.
Signed,Alula the Bacterium Ravaging T-Rex
3 comments:
So hun, what are you eating? You aren't eating meat, you aren't eating carbs, so there go beans which are a major source of protein. You probably aren't eating cheese either.
I think you'll last about a week with yogurt being your main source of protein.
Also, make him go on the diet with you and remind him that it's illegal to open mail addressed to you only.
"Of all things living a mans the worst!"(quote form The Taming of The Shrew.)If I catch Mr.Q opening my mail and its not something serious like a over charged credit card he is as good as freezer meat to me!
It looks like weight loss will not be a problem for you anymore! When you have to stop eating the pounds just fall off! Still I'm sorry you have to adjust to this new lifestyle. At least your not lactose intolerant!
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